Don’t Read The Comments – Unless They’re Spam

The adage, the only constants in life are death and taxes, needs to be upgraded to include spam marketing. As soon as someone devises a technology, there’s a whole army of people who turn that tech into a tool to promote business. Another subset of people leverage it further into underhanded, yet legal, ways of making money.

Where Did SPAM Come From?

In 1926, American meat producer Geo. A. Hormel & Co. produced the world’s first canned ham, the “Hormel Flavor-Sealed Ham“. Long before the days of UberEats and Superstores, this invention would have been a homemaker’s boon. A dinner that didn’t need refrigeration. Pre-cooked, deboned, and trimmed of fat, tinned ham stretched the value of a household’s food budget. It was also quick and easy to prepare.

In the 1930s, the company produced SPAM. Naming origin lore varies, but it apparently comes from the word “spam” being blurted out at a New Year’s Eve party by Kenneth Daigneau, brother of a Hormel company VP.

The economic demands of WWII turned this item into both a household and military staple, along with other tinned meats and vegetables.

How Did Tinned SPAM Become Junk Email Spam?

We have Monthy Python to thank for that.

Monty Python was (dare I say still is) an icon of British Humour. The troupe broke existing TV rules with their quirky characters, disconnected narratives, and surreal comedy. They developed a cult-like following, especially among the geek crowd who may have been able to identify with their oddity more than other viewers.

One of Monty Python’s most famous scenes is the SPAM sketch. Britain felt the impact of WWII for much longer than did North America. The devastation to its economy and landscape, like that of much of the European mainland, was immeasurable. As life returned to a desirable level of progress, GI’s who came home rebuked it. Some even did so during the war itself. SPAM became the unwanted child of the food world.

Monty Python’s SPAM sketch keenly illustrates the emotional and financial impact of the war while being completely ridiculous at the same time. A white married couple descend into a diner on invisible wires. The settled at a table surrounded by stereotypical Vikings who wear horned helmets and furs. When asked, the waitress lists what’s on the menu and just about every item is SPAM. In once case, it is the entire plus baked beans, which are “off today”. The Vikings erupt into an harmonic SPAM opera. General absurdity ensues.

Canned Ham + Vikings + Comedy = Unwanted Email

Monty Python’s SPAM sketch anchored itself into the social psyche. Long before computers became household items, my father would say, “Bloody Vikings” in response to annoying “spamy” things.

Which leads me to computer programmers and early users. Programmers realized how digital communication technology could lead to heaps of unwanted digital messages… just like spam spam spam spam spam in the sketch. In multi-user dungeon crawls, not only was the word SPAM repeatedly entered into the game’s chat channels by automated-bots, but so were the entire lyrics of the Monty Python song.

What’s The Purpose of Digital Spam?

SPAM provides nutrition. Spam is annoying.

Email marketers will tell you that, done right, sending multiple emails converts cold customers into buying clients. People need to be motivated to act or reminded of what you want them to do – and that takes repetition.

When spam-bots throw comments on a web site, chat channel, or social media post, they often contain links that trace back to another product the bot has been programmed to promote. This becomes “free” advertising for that unscrupulous business.

The Hormel company tried suing the use of the word SPAM, which fell under their registered trademark. When they were unsuccessful, they sponsored the Monty Python show Spamalot. If you can’t be ’em, advertise to ’em, right?

Can Spamming Be Stopped?

But once the digital Pandora’s Box opened, it couldn’t be closed. The idea that repeat emails might have been acceptable has morphed into an intolerable amount of digital garbage. Spam. Many countries have anti-spam laws with specific compliance instructions for internet-based marketing.

There are different manual and automatic ways to stop spam messages from seeing the light of day depending upon the program being utilized. A method that works for a website built in WordPress might not work the same as bot blockers for interactive sites like Discord.

Is There Anything Good About Spam Messages?

Generally speaking, I doubt it. I use both automatic and manual methods of removing spam comments. From time to time I read them as a source of amusement. Which is the point of this post. I present some of the spam comments that have made me giggle:

Lost In Translation Spam

• My brother recommended I might like this web site. He used to be entirely right.
  I һavе spеcіfic disеаѕe, namеd nуmрһomаnia. Who know whаt іѕ this, сan undеrѕtand me (bеttеr to ѕay it іmmediately)
• The most effective way to burn fat is by using it gradually [which the bot posted on Tudor artifacts]
• I found you by mistake
• I found your post by mistake when i was searching google for this issue [bot comment on Nonsuch: The Palace That Ate A Village, which isn’t so much of an “issue” as it is an event in history that few people know or care about in relation to real “issues” in historic and current events.]
• One fantasy in particular is that often the bank prefers to have your house.
• It’s like you learn my mind! [Can one person truly learn the mind of a bot?]
• I know there are some more pleasurable opportunities up front for those who take a look at your website.
• I and also my guys have already been taking note of the best tips and hints found on your site while before long I got a horrible feeling

Totally Disconnected To The Subject Material Spam

• I do believe that a foreclosures can have a important effect on the borrower’s life. [a bot comment upon 8 steampunk accessories you need]
• Keep up the great paintings! [I don’t paint. Bot commented on Writing The Other #weneeddiversebooks]
• How much ivermectin paste to give a dog [I don’t own a dog, or write anything about medications… or dogs]
• Thanks for your publication on the travel industry. [While I do write travel stuff sometimes, this bot landed on Tudor artifacts]
• Excellent read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing some research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! [A comment dropped on my landing page about me. I didn’t think I’m at that stage of being “research material” ha!]

Long-Winded Spam

• “Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said ‘You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.’ She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!”
• One comment had 6500+words of pornographic descriptions of every variety and associated links
• “The very root of your writing whilst appearing agreeable in the beginning, did not really sit perfectly with me personally after some time. Somewhere within the paragraphs you managed to make me a believer but just for a very short while. I nevertheless have got a problem with your leaps in assumptions and one might do nicely to fill in those gaps. If you actually can accomplish that, I could surely be impressed.”

Incidentally Ironic Spam

• I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers?
• You appear to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
• Almost all of what you state happens to be astonishingly appropriate
• You could definitely see your skills in the work you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart. [I might have believed this post if it weren’t for the 100+ spam comments this bot left on other posts of mine.]
• 10 Ways to Capture Email Leads Without Disturbing Your Visitors
• Canadian Anti-Spam Law: What You Need to Know

Hard To Categorize Spam

• Is anyone here in a position to recommend Water World? Thanks xxx
• I have been browsing on-line more than three hours as of late [And according to the stats on my spam filter, all 3 of those hours were dropping bot comments on my website]
• Can someone recommend Mens Novelty Underwear? [I don’t write those kinds of books. Not yet, anyway.]
• Hundreds of posts about CBD and it’s various forms, applications, and sellers
• Is anyone in a position to recommend cheap Horse Riding […um, I got nuthin’]

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I welcome comments, really I do – the more original the better!