Despite being very deserving, my husband isn’t big on celebrating Father’s Day. I still find little ways to let him know how much he’s appreciated and loved.

This year, Torran and I crafted a story that made both son and father grin stupidly.

Before I get to it, I have news: The Wrath of Atticus is with my proofer for a final pair of eyes before printing. YAY. I’ll have digital pre-orders ready soon. If you backed my Kickstarter campaign for The Wrath of Atticus, your rewards are in progress and, all things being well, everything will be out to you by the end of the month.

*whew*

Here is Torran’s Father’s Day story (minus the live reading with sound effects, and the hand-drawn, dueling brown clouds emitted by Torran’s stick figures):

Tom Thumb With the REALLY Big Bum

A Father’s Day Story by Torran

Everybody in Fart Town wanted Tom Thumb’s gi-normous behind because he dropped the biggest brown clouds. His farts won the Loudest Fart of the Year and the Longest Fart of the Year (it was one minute long). Tom was most proud of winning the Smelliest Fart of the Year award six times in a row.

One day, Tom heard something that sounded like a firecracker and several people flew past his window. Tom raced out of his front door to see Billy Bumcracker standing in the street.

Billy had just farted his way to town by sneaking through customs from Mississauga. He snuck through customs by blowing the officers away with his farts.

“I am Billy Bumcracker and I’m going to win all the Fart Town awards this year!” Billy said, with his eyes narrowed. He had his hands on his hips and his bum jutted out.

Tom replied, “You never more shall win you stinky fart man!”

“Oh, you think so?” Billy bent over and tried to blow Tom away with his fart. Tom used his special fart shield and protected himself before he went back inside his house.

The big competition was 25 days away. Tom had a lot of training to do if he had any hope of defeating Billy (who could blow people off their feet in a split second with his fart).

Tom ran and chewed gum swallowing all the air into his stomach so it would go into his colon and become potent gas. But, when he tried to fart, he only made a whispering pfft.

Next, Tom did squats for six hours every day and ate Brussel spouts with the biggest red cabbage he could buy at the grocer’s. His tummy rumbled. And gurgled. He strained and pushed his really big bum out as far as it could go. Tom’s bum went putt-putt-putt. He was so disappointed.

“I need to make my butt stop sounding like a motorcycle engine if I want to blow Billy away and win the awards,” Tom cried.

At his final attempt to make the longest, loudest, smelliest fart, Tom ate heaps of baked beans and gulped mouthfuls of fizzy drinks. He did lunges and push ups to squeeze his belly.

His belly grew and grew and grew. His guts danced and twisted inside. Pfffeeeeeee

Tom’s really big bum made a noise like a snake hissing inside a deflating balloon.

“Oh, come on!” he said. That fart wasn’t going to win any awards. “I really want to beat Billy.”

Tom decided to go for a walk to shake it off. At the park he found a squirrel who was stuck in a smelly garbage can. The squirrel had his head in a bottle. Tom pulled and pulled and pulled on the bottle. On the third attempt, the squirrel popped out.

“Thank you human!” the squirrel squeaked. “I am a wizard in disguise and I got caught in the garbage. For helping me, I’m going to give you an elixir of good luck to use however you wish.”

Tom said, “Thank you.” He couldn’t believe his luck. The elixir would help him win for sure!

The next day was the day of the Fart Town Fartoff. Everybody was there. All day long townspeople competed against each other in the biggest and smelliest sporting event of the year. Finally, it all came down to Tom Thumb and Billy Bumcracker.

The announcer said, “And finally, after hours of competition, we have the last 2 most spectacular farters: long-time champion, Tom Thumb and newcomer, Billy Bumcracker. Gentlemen, take your positions.”

Tom drank his elixir before he walked to the middle of the fartoff arena to compete with Billy. They faced each other, shook hands, then turned and pointed their butts at each other.

It took no time for Billy to inflict the first blow.

Brrrrrppppt. Billy’s fart shoved Tom forward several steps. Tom didn’t fall down because he protected himself with his fart shield.

His stomach churned. Tom squeezed his churning gut but nothing happened.

Billy laughed in triumph. “So, you aren’t farting yet Tommy Wommy?” he said, then farted again. Brrrrrppppt.

Tom dove out of the way just in time as Billy’s fart hit the nearest spectator. The spectator was knocked out of his seat and the chair was blown to bits.

Tom’s stomach heaved, and he took a big breath. He bent over, pointing his butt at Billy.

Nothing came out. The audience gasped.

Billy said, “Nothing yet Tom? You’ll see on my third blow what power I have.” Brrrrrppppt.

Tom jumped into the air and landed after Billy’s fart passed by him.

The arena was so quiet you could hear a baby’s fart.

Tom’s sweat poured down his face with worry. All of sudden, his stomach bloated to twice its normal size. Then he felt a most unusual sensation down below.

Kaboooooooom!!!!

Tom’s fart was so big, it knocked the walls off the arena. Tom’s fart was so smelly, everyone went into fainting fits. Tom’s fart was so loud, it measured as a volcanic eruption in the next town.

The audience cheered.

The judges said, “You’ve done it again Tom Thumb with the really big bum! You won the Fart Town Fartoff and defeated Billy Bumcracker.”

Tom was very pleased with himself. The elixir had worked.

“All it took was a little squeak,” Tom said.

THE END